[Mr. and Mrs. Monday] letting go


The summer has been interesting, to say the least. Mark and I have made some big decisions, created an amazing business plan for re.write magazine (if I do say so myself), and learned & grown a lot. Among the many things we've been learning, the one thing that sticks out to me is knowing how to roll with the punches...because NONE of our summer plans have gone according to plan. And this use to frighten me. I'd always ask the question "why" and then, make a mental list of all the things I may have done wrong to jeopardize our plans. It was an anxiety-ridden process.

But as I grow and mature, I'm learning to just trust. In June, Mark was given an awesome business opportunity that got us really excited for this coming fall and winter. When that fell through, we thought, "It's ok. Something better will come along." Well, then, some of our current jobs got cancelled for the month, which made things tight for us financially. Just like before, we thought, "It's ok. This has happened before, and we're always alright." Then, we realized that our landlord was not going to extend our lease as we had hoped, forcing us to move out this September. "Ok," we thought. "This is interesting."

The other night, I needed a reminder of this. I started worrying. What if we don't have enough money? What if we can't find a temporary place to stay? What if we can't save enough? What if things start falling apart? And then, as if that wasn't enough, I started feeling bad for worrying. I condemned myself for not having more faith, more trust, more strength to listen to what I already know. But Mark sat next to me and simply said, "We're going through this—doubts and questions and all—so that we don't have blind faith. You're not wrong for being worried. When we look back, we'll know that our faith was tested and it got stronger." And instantly, all condemnation, all worry, all what-ifs were silenced.

I was reminded of just how important it is to roll with the punches and let go of my plans, as I was reading C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, which is a satire told from the vantage point of an assistant to "Our Father Below" (aka the devil). Thus, the "Enemy" in the book is god. Here's what I read yesterday:

    "The humans live in time but our Enemy destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity...
    Our business is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present...It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear...In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity...Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead."

So here's what I learned from C.S. Lewis, from my husband, from god: planning can only go so far as he will allow it. The rest of it takes faith. And faith requires rolling with the punches.



Kaylenr said...

we are praying for you guys. Keep the faith!

Sharon.Mom.Granny.Aunt Sharon said...

Yes, prayers for you two and a reminder for me to live in the present. Plan but do all of my living now, not living in the future. God has that handled.